So… I was listening to the D. L. Hughley show yesterday and they were talking about who should be the disciplinarian for their daughter- the father or mother. Of course, people called in with varying responses as to who should be the discipline their and why. D. L. made a point, based on somebody’s statistics, that a father disciplining his daughter would make her more susceptible to being with men that may be abusive. That should would feel that it is okay to be hit by a man because her father did it. That it would be the norm for her. I don’t know who these statisticians are but that’s some bullshit.
First of all, there is a big difference between discipline and abuse. Growing up, my Daddy was very present even though my parents divorced when I was in middle school. I don’t know if it was the authority of him being “Daddy” or what but my Dad’s voice would make me cry when he was fussing. My whole soul would be crushed if he raised his voice. There were only two times that I can recall that my dad had to whoop me. Once for fighting with my sister when we were supposed to be going to sleep, which was not fair because she was a super meddler and I did not like her feet on me. The other time, I guess I really can’t call it whoopin. We were on our way home from church one Sunday and I was sitting in my favorite spot right behind my Daddy while he was driving. My daddy had a cardinal rule that a young lady should not pop gum. He said that’s what street walkers do. So, I was sitting behind him and I can’t remember if we were talking about anything or just singing to the radio. I made the grave mistake of chewing and popping gum right in his left ear. I wasn’t even thinking about it. All of a sudden, all I could see was 💥💢💫. My daddy had back hand slapped me right in the mouth. I think it hurt my feelings more than my mouth. But from that day on, I did not pop no more damn gum. Lol
For me, having my Daddy present and his disciplining of me the few times he did had no impact on me being with men that were abusive. I knew my Daddy loved me and that he had my best interest at heart. Not only that, he taught me about “the game” and how to defend myself. If in the event I found myself in the unfortunate situation of a man trying me, oh, he may win but he ain’t gone come out unscathed. That’s for damn sure. I ain’t no easy win and I think my level of “I ain’t scared of you, Bruh” is probably a lot higher thanks to the very head strong and feisty women in my family especially my grandma, Limmie Lee Lowery. (She is a whole ‘nother blog post!! RIP Ma!) My dad would always say, “Can’t no nigga ever put his hands on you. If he try it, call me! Ain’t no mane putting his hand on my daughter!” My daddy… Smh Straight gangsta. Lol But I knew he was dead serious.
I know my experience growing up is probably a lot different than other girls. Unfortunately, there are situations where discipline is without question abuse. A man beating her his daughter in a way to demean, belittle and prove himself to be a bigger man because of his own insecurities is unacceptable. More often than not, the mother of that daughter is a victim of the abuse also. So very sad. Thankfully, I have zero experience of that kind of life and I am grateful for it.
I think that it is very important for a girl to have the hand of her father as a guiding force for her life. The absence of his presence I think leaves the window open for her to be subject to men that may try to take advantage of that absence. A father’s loving discipline is a necessity if you ask me. It works in conjunction to the nurturing and teaching from her mother. The balance of both are essential. More often than not, the daughters that grow up without their father’s guidance and discipline fall into that mindset of “I don’t need no man.” When the truth of the matter is, women do need men. The first one being her father. To all my brothers out there that may read this, if you have daughters, be present. Love them. Raise them. Get on they ass when they wrong. Teach them the ways of the world and about the things men will try. You, my brothers, make the difference…always have.