I have decided to call my posts about dating, love, relationships, man/woman situationships, “Relationship Rhetoric.” It will be my opinions and maybe even advice on certain subject matters that I have experienced. I mean I can’t tell you or advise on shit I don’t know or been through. So here we go with the first one….
I saw these memes on Instagram and they really resonated with me. One is a good word of caution to the brothas and the other is good advise for my sistahs. I decided that this is a subject that I am quite familiar with and wanted to give my view on:
TOPIC: A Man and His Time: He ain’t never THAT busy./A Woman and Her Worth: Don’t be no fool, Sugah.
If you are like me, you have been in quite a few relationships-good, bad, and/or ugly. The one thing that I was taught and learned first hand about men is no matter how busy a man is, he will make time IF he is really interested. No matter his career, his obligations, his kid(s), or his family; a man will make time. That is a fact. I think where a lot of (not all) men mess up, is that they do not communicate transparently about what they really have going on. Here is a list of things that I wish men would say off the top, after he expresses his genuine interest, to set the stage of what a woman should expect:
- I have a kid(s) that I have joint custody/spend a lot of time with.
- My job is really demanding and my time may be limited but I will communicate when I can.
- I want to get to know you, but I’m dating another/some other women too.
- Technically, I’m still married but I am actively going through a divorce. (And be able to show proof.)
- I’m saving/working towards a particular goal, so my finances are limited.
- I’m still affected by a previous relationship so things have to move slowly even if we click on all cylinders.
Now this is just an example of what I wish a man would say on the FIRST date to allow a woman to make a decision on if she wants to pursue things with him or not. I mean let’s be honest Sistahs, you pretty much already know if a man is someone you would get the groove on with upon first meeting. Now that’s not to say you would do it the same night, or maybe you would. To each is own. Just make sure it’s safe. Then again you could make him wait up to 90 days to really get to know him…whatever your moral compass is, you already know that he could get it from the first conversation. Tell me I’m lying? Umm hmm…I know better. I’ve been there, done that. The gag is it all falls on the words and actions of that man if/when he gets to reach into that cookie jar. LOL
I think the things that I listed are probably some of the main things that men have going on that could potentially be the reason that a woman loses interest if he is spending his time doing those things versus spending time with her. I think it is important that a man understands that if he is transparent and honest about what he has going on, there are some things that you think a woman won’t deal with that she actually would. I mean, Brothas, come on, if you got some serious shit going on, tell that woman that. The only thing she can do is say, Yes I can deal or No I can’t. And I bet at some point, Sistahs, we all have said of a man we were dating, “If he had just told me that to begin with, I could have governed myself accordingly!” One of the things that I could not stand when I was dating is a man not giving me the option to choose what I could or couldn’t deal with. I can understand working, being with kids, dealing with financial strain, or whatever- but say that. Don’t get so fixated on having to put on a front to be impressive over and beyond being real.
Now with that being said, if a man is seriously trying to get to know you, he will do just that. If a man is really trying to having something substantial, he will do whatever he can to make sure that happens. One thing an older woman told me, whatever a man feel is important, he gon set time for it. If he doesn’t, it’s not important. Period. A man looking to be exclusive is going to pursue the shit out of you. His time may be limited because of obligations, but his interest definitely won’t be. What I mean by that is that he will find out and pay attention to the things you like to do, eat, gifts you like to receive, the kind of music you like, the books you have been wanting, the flowers you love and make that his way of keeping you engaged. Now, I will say this, you have to be careful and recognize if he is genuine or he is just running game to GTD. (You know- Get The Draw’rs!! Keep up nah, I’m trying to help ya! LOL) You got some slick ones out there that will wine and dine until they get what they want then they are gone. Trust your gut, Sistahs. It won’t lead you wrong. Stop telling that little voice to shut up because it’s not what you want to hear. I know, I have done the shit. We have to stop telling ourselves that we can change a man’s character flaws. We can’t. Only he can do that. More often than not, what you see is what you get. A man will only change if HE wants to, it won’t have anything to do with you. He may say, “I’ll change for you Baby” but that’s bullshit. He has to want to change for himself whether he is with you or not. But that is another post for another day…
You know what burned my biscuits more than anything after dating a man for a while? Giving him all the time and opportunity to really let me know where he wants things to go but he doesn’t, then I move on to later find out why he wasn’t able to fully be all in with me. Seriously? That was so crazy to me. After all the time that was spent, I’m with someone else, now you realize how much love you had for me. Naw bruh. Sorry. Like the meme says, brothas, you can’t trip when a woman has moved on and doing the things with someone else that she wanted to do with you. You missed out. I admonish any man to just be honest and transparent about your situation. Like I said before, you would be surprised what a woman is willing to deal with. Give her the choice to decide.
Sistahs, I will end by saying this…know your worth. Not only that be worth what you are looking to attract. If you know that you are not ready to be “found”, turn your location off and focus on getting you together. Now if you find yourself dealing with a man that you are always having to make excuses for that you don’t really know what’s really going on with him, take a step back and evaluate your options. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. Always keep in mind that a man that is genuinely interested in you, will make sure you know it by spending his time AND attention on you- even if it is shared with everything else going on in his life. Men are predatory by nature- if they really want you, they gon’ show some sign as the old folks would say. Don’t waste your time wasting time. Don’t settle. Don’t assume. Pay attention to what a man does as well as what he says. As Maya Angelou penned, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” If a man is not making you a priority, Honey you ain’t one. It is okay to say, “Aight then Homie, you take care, I’m out.” Sometimes, it be’s that way. But life goes on and so will you…